


Laxatives and Weasleys

by marylou



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: But only if you squint, Crack, Gen, slight tonks/snape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 18:25:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18696868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marylou/pseuds/marylou
Summary: A potions mishap causes problems that Tonks hurriedly tries to fix, with the begrudging help of Severus Snape.





	Laxatives and Weasleys

Tonks walked into Umbridge’s office hesitantly. She had heard McGonagall and others complain about her during Order meetings, but this was the first time she was actually meeting her for herself, and she was not looking forward to it at all.

“Madame Umbridge?” she spoke up. “I have those reports you requested.”

The salmon-clothed professor looked up from her papers. “Ah, thank you, auror, but my _official_ title is Headmistress Umbridge,” she preened.

“Oh. Sorry.” Tonks did her best to look sorry. She wasn’t very successful. She handed the papers over to Umbridge and turned to leave.

“Auror!” Umbridge snapped. “You have not been dismissed yet! You are-” she cut herself off with a sharp gasp, clutching her stomach.

Tonks’ mouth gaped wide open as Umbridge slowly crumpled face down onto the desk. She stared in shock. “I didn’t do it!” she exclaimed, holding her hands up to show her innocence. When no one magically appeared to arrest her (because there was no way anyone could have known what had happened and _you can’t apparate into Hogwarts, Ronald! Have you never read Hogwarts: A History?_ ), she relaxed, Drawing out her wand, she reached forward to prod the Hogwarts High Inquisitor and Headmistress. No response. Growing bolder, she prodded again, this time even harder. This did produce a result, but not the one she was expecting. Instead she accidentally lit Umbridge’s hair on fire. With a startled yelp, she quenched the flaming inferno with a bolt of water from her wand.

Tonks heard the door behind her open and she spun around. “I didn’t do it!” she proclaimed to Professor Severus Snape, standing in the open doorway. He took a look at the Headmistress Dolores Umbridge lying face down on her desk, her hair charred and soaking.

“What in Merlin’s name is going on?”

“I swear I didn’t kill her! She just collapsed!” Tonks pointed to Umbridge.

“And the burnt hair?”

“It was an accident!”

Snape came closer. He pulled out his wand and waved it over the body in what Tonks assumed was some sort of diagnostic spell. “Yep, she’s dead all right. It appears to be a lethal combination of potions.”

“Potions? What kind? Was she poisoned? Or was it suicide?”

Snape frowned down at his diagnosis spell. “It appears to be the result of a high-strength laxative combined with highly experimental potions. The combination of the flobberworm mucus from the laxative and the bdelium from the experimental potions created a lethal mix that prevented protein synthesis, resulting in the cessation of life.”

Tonks frowned. “But why would she take a laxative?”

Snape cleared his throat. “She was hardly popular. It is quite possible that someone else laced her tea with the laxative.”

She stared at him. “It was you, wasn’t it.”

“I have a bet with Minerva!” he protested.

“And the experimental potion?”

He shrugged. “Probably the Weasley twins. The potion’s been in her system for a while. My guess is it was originally intended to make her skin turn green, but it failed to work.”

At that moment, Tonks noticed a greenish tinge creeping along Umbridge’s skin.

“But what are we gonna do? Someone will notice, and I’ll be sent to Azkaban! I’m too young for Azkaban!” she cried.

He shrugged. “I wasn’t the one who killed her. That’s your problem.”

She glared at him. “You did kill her! You helped, at least.”

He returned the glare. “You can’t prove anything.”

She continued to glare at him.

He sighed in resignation. “Just hide the body. No one will know it was you.”

“But I’m an auror. That’s illegal.”

“So is being a member of a vigilante group.”

“Touché. So? Any ideas? I’m sure you have a lot of experience hiding bodies.”

He shrugged. “Like I said, that’s your problem.” He started to leave the room.

Tonks looked down at the desk with the corpse of the former Senior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic. “But what about the body? Maybe we could vanish it?”

Snape turned back rolling his eyes. “Don’t be stupid, _Nymphadora_ , you can’t vanish human flesh. Just feed her to the thestrals.”

She looked at him with a look of supreme disgust on her face.

He sighed again. “Fine then, _I’ll_ feed her to the thestrals. It would probably be fun, anyway.” He got a glazed look in his eyes as he imagined the carnage.

Tonks stared at him. “You know, it’s times like this that remind me you’re a death eater,” she said quietly.

After Snape had left with Umbridge’s limp body levitating behind while dripping unmentionable body fluids onto the stone floor, Tonks was left alone. She began to pace the room, tapping her wand against her mouth. All of a sudden, her face lit up with an idea. She walked over to Umbridge’s desk, grabbing a picture of Umbridge standing with Minister Cornelius Fudge and a mirror. She held the mirror up to her face and focused on the picture.

Half an hour later, Dolores Jane Umbridge walked out of her office.

Later that day, Ironclaw the thestral experienced the worst case of diarrhea that Hagrid had ever seen in his vast experience with manure. Ironclaw also turned a light shade of green.

 

* * *

 

Soon afterwards, Tonksbridge walked into her nauseatingly pink office to the sight of Harry Potter’s backside kneeling down in front of the fireplace. He seemed to be yelling at Kreacher. “What are you doing?” she asked.

Harry jumped up in surprise, hitting his head. He spun around to face her warily, rubbing at his head. “I was- trying to get my firebolt!” he gasped out.

Tonksbridge frowned, looking around the room. “It doesn’t appear to be here. Are you sure that’s what you were doing?”

There was a large commotion outside and several large Slytherins entered, each gripping Ron, Ginny, Luna, and- to Harry’s apparent surprise- Neville, who was trapped in a stranglehold by Crabbe and looked to be in imminent danger of suffocation. All four of them had been gagged. Millicent Bulstrode followed, pulling Hermione after her by the hair. Bulstrode had a few bleeding scratch marks on her face.

“Got ‘em all,” said Warrington, shoving Ron roughly forward into the room. _“That_ one,” he poked a thick finger at Neville, “Tried to stop me taking _her_ ,” he pointed at Ginny, who was trying to kick the shins of the large Slytherin girl holding her, “so I brought him along too.”

“Um, yes, very good,” Tonksbridge said hesitantly. “Yes, thank you, uh, Smith, you may go now. I will take care of this.”

There was a flash of anger in Warrington’s thick face. “My name is Warrington.”

“Warrington, then. You may go.”

“But the prisoners-”

“I am quite capable of taking care of them. They are just Gryffindors, anyway,” Tonks bluffed her way forward.

Millicent Bulstrode was the first one to move. She shoved Hermione to the floor and left. One by one, the other Slytherins followed. Malfoy was the last to leave. “Headmistress, perhaps I could stay, in case you need assistance.”

Tonksbridge stopped. “Actually, Mr. Malfoy, there is something you can do for me.”

Malfoy puffed out his chest in pride. “Anything, headmistress.”

“Go fetch Professor Snape.”

Malfoy stowed Harry’s wand inside his robes and left the room smirking, but Harry hardly noticed.

After he had left, Tonksbridge collapsed at her desk, resting her head in her hands. “Why me?” she moaned. “What did I do to deserve this?”

“Um, professor?” Hermione asked.

“Sshh,” Tonksbridge hushed her. “I’m busy bemoaning my life. Be quiet.”

There was silence in the office except for the fidgetings and scufflings resulting from the bound students on the floor trying to get comfortable.

Tonksbridge looked up as footsteps were heard in the corridor outside and Draco Malfoy came back into the room, holding open the door for Snape.

“You wanted to see me, Headmistress?” said Snape, looking around at all the pairs of struggling students with an expression of complete indifference. Tonks was the only one who could see the slight signs of humor in his dark eyes.

“Yes. Thank you, Malfoy, you may leave now.” Once Malfoy was out of earshot, Snape let out a snort of laughter. Neville shuddered with fear at the sight.

“I hate you,” Tonks said. This generated another snort of laughter from Snape.

“Alright, is anyone else confused?” Ron asked. Harry had removed the gags and bindings while Tonksbridge was distracted.

“Does this have anything to do with whoever that is?” Luna asked, gesturing at Tonksbridge. Hermione rolled her eyes. “Luna, that’s Professor Umbridge. Remember?”

Luna shook her head, giving Hermione a confused look. “No, she’s not. Can you not tell?”

“I didn’t do it!” Tonksbridge cried, interrupting them. “It was Snape!”

Hermione frowned. “What? What are you talking about?”

Tonks sighed. “Umbridge is dead.”

“Wait, what? How did that happen? Who are you then?”

Tonks reverted completely back to her normal form to the sounds of numerous gasps. “Snape says it was a combination of one of Fred and George’s potions and a laxative.” An evil grin grew on her face. “Did you know that Severus laced her tea with a laxative?”

“Snape? Professor Snape?” Harry glanced questioningly over at Snape. Snape glared back.

“Yes! I was surprised as well, but apparently he really, really hates her.”

“How did you hide the body?” Luna’s dreamy voice asked. “I’ve found that that is always the hardest part.” Neville glanced sideways at her and began edging away.

“Severus took care of it. He said he was going to feed it to the thestrals.”

“Potter,” Severus’ cold voice interrupted. “What were you doing, breaking into the headmistress’s office?”

“I- uh,” Harry stumbled.

“He wanted to talk to Sirius,” Hermione volunteered. She rolled her eyes at Harry’s glare. “We might need their help,” she explained.

“Potter,” Severus said, raising a quizzical eyebrow. After one last glare at Hermione, Harry explained about his dream of Sirius being tortured by Voldemort.

“Don’t say his name!” Severus barked.

“Come on, then, let’s go!” Tonks exclaimed, jumping up from her chair.

“Not so fast.”  

Harry transferred his glare to Severus. “See!” He yelled, pointing at the professor. “We shouldn’t have told him! You know how much he hates Sirius! He’d probably be happy is he was dead,” he concluded bitterly.

“If the Dark Lord knows about the connection, he could be sending fake visions to Potter,” he said to Tonks.

“You mean it could be a trap?”

“Exactly.”

Hermione looked curious. “But how would we know?”

“Easy.” Severus strode over the fireplace, dropped some floo powder from the nearby jar and swiftly flooed to Number 12 Grimmauld Place. A few moments later he returned with his hand tightly clutched around Sirius Black’s shoulder. Neville let out a brief gasp of terror at the sight of the deranged mass murderer. Severus let Sirius go, wiping his hand on his shirt with a look of disgust.

“Sirius!” Harry cried out. “Are you alright?”

“No,” Sirius whinged. “I’ve been kidnapped by the greasy bat.” He glared at Severus.

Harry wrapped his arms tightly around his godfather. “I had a dream that Voldemort had you. He was torturing you,” he whispered painfully. “It was horrible.”

After a few minutes of tender reassurances that caused a look of nausea to appear on Snape’s face, Harry released Sirius just in time to see Tonks, disguised again as Umbridge, step into the floo.

“Where’s she going?” he asked.

“Hmm,” Severus gave him a judgmental stare. “I don’t believe you need to know.

“Snape,” Sirius growled. “Where?”

“Fine, then,” he acquiesced. “She’s going to get the Order. If the Dark Lord is planning to ambush you on your foolhardy attempt to rescue your childish godfather,” he nodded at Harry, “then that means that we can surprise him. 

Harry pulled his wand from his pocket, holding it ready out in front of him. “Let’s go, then.”

“You’re not going. None of you are going.

“What?” he whinged. “Why not?”

 

“Because you are a child.”

Sirius spoke up. “I hate to admit it, Harry, but Snape’s right. You don’t have the skill to go up against Voldemort.” He looked around at the other students. “None of you do, so you are all staying here.”

Severus looked darkly amused. “I don’t think you understand, Black. None of you are going. That includes you.”

“What?” he whinged. “You can’t tell me what to do. Why would you even say that, anyway?”

“Because you are a child.” With that, Severus Snape petrified Sirius and the other students. With one last smirk at Sirius, he also disappeared into the floo.

 

* * *

 

In the Hall of Prophecies, Harry Potter crept forward hesitantly. “Sirius?” he called out softly. He walked up the space at the end of the rows, staring down them. Empty aisle after empty aisle flickered past. There was no sign of Sirius anywhere. Down one of the rows, he was halted by the sight of his name on one of the small glass spheres. It glowed with a dull inner light, even though it was covered with dust.

Stepping closer, he craned his neck to read the yellowish label affixed to the shelf right beneath the dusty glass ball. In spidery writing was written a date of some sixteen years previously, and below that:

_S. P. T. to A. P. W. B. D._

_Dark Lord_

_And (?) Harry Potter_

He shrugged his shoulders and moved on, ignoring the orb.

And then, from right behind him, a drawling voice said, “Very good, Potter. Now turn around and pick up that prophecy, nice and slowly, and give it to me. 

Black shapes were emerging out of thin air all around him, blocking their way left and right; eyes glinted through slits in hoods, a dozen lit wan-tips were pointing directly at their hearts. Harry gave a gasp of horror.

“To me, Potter,” repeated the slimy voice of Lucius Malfoy as he held out his hand, his fingers claw-like.

Harry glanced back at the glowing orb as a small smirk grew on his face. “I don’t think so, Uncle Lucy.” Tonks shifted back into her natural form.

There was a gasp from on the death eaters. Lucius glared at them. “Where is Potter?” his cold voice questioned.

Tonks shrugged. “Don’t know exactly, but he’s probably back at Hogwarts, where I left him.”

The crowd of death eaters shifted nervously as the first cracks in their dark calm appeared. “Quiet,” Lucius warned them. “She’s just bluffing.”

Beside him, Bellatrix Lestrange let out a rising cackle of laughter. “Aww, does little _Nymphy_ think she has a plan?”

Tonks stuck her tongue out at her aunt.

At that moment, the doors at both ends of the aisle burst open and five more people sprinted into the aisle: Lupin, Moody, Kingsley, Vance, and Jones.

Malfoy turned to face the ones behind him and raised his wand, but Tonks had already sent a stunning spell right at him. The remaining death eaters were surrounded by the Order of the Phoenix with no hope of escape, and within a few minutes they were all quickly restrained, with the exception of Bellatrix. She had taken the opportunity to run, eventually finding herself in the Chamber of Death. Now completely surrounded by the Order, she danced around, dodging their spells and sending back her own. With a cry, first Lupin, and then Vance fell to the ground, moaning in pain. Bellatrix shrieked gleefully. “Just you wait!” she yelled at Tonks. “My Lord will save me!”

“How?” Tonks taunted. “There’s no way he will be able to hear your screams.”

“Can’t I?” said a high cold voice.

Tonks spun around.

Lord Voldemort had appeared in the middle of the hall; tall, thin, and black-hooded, his terrible snakelike face white and gaunt, his scarlet eyes staring at Tonks, who quickly morphed into his mirror image and blew him a kiss. “You have no sense of self preservation,” Kingsley muttered under his breath.

“I will kill you,” Voldemort stated calmly.

“Let me do it, Master,” Bellatrix entreated. “I will kill her for you. I will paint the floor with her blood.”

“No,” he said, folding his wand over in his hands. “I believe I would like to kill her myself. She can be the perfect example . . . I do not tolerate disrespect.” He readied his wand to attack. Before he could kill her, Tonks reached into her robe pocket, pulled out a blue plastic hairbrush, and threw it at Voldemort.

She missed.

Voldemort lowered his wand slightly, a confused look on his face. It merely made him look constipated. “What are you doing?”

“Distracting you,” Tonks cheerfully replied.

At that moment, Luna Lovegood popped up from behind a corner, her wand held high. “Bombarda!”

“What!” Bellatrix cried. “Who are you? And what are you doing here?”

Beside her, the Clumsy-Dark-Lord-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named fell through the veil of death with a startled cry, a somewhat constipated look still on his face.

“NO! MY VOLDIE-POO!” Bellatrix screamed. It was a heart-wrenching scream, full of pain and loss and a desire to water the ground with the muddy blood of mudbloods.

With another cry, Bellatrix ran toward the veil, jumping through. No one tried to stop her. Sirius even gave a cheer of encouragement.

Back at Hogwarts, Harry Potter, still lying petrified on the floor of Umbridge’s office, struggled to wince in pain as a dark cloud was pulled out of his scar and sped through the air towards London and the veil of death.

 

* * *

 

Unfortunately, Tom Riddle and Bellatrix Lestrange were not the only casualties of that day. Ironclaw the thestral never recovered. After a brief period of debilitating sickness, he quietly passed from this life. He is survived by Professor Rubeus Hagrid and student Luna Lovegood. In lieu of flowers, he would like mourners to donate to the Scamander Fund for Underprivileged Creatures.

**Author's Note:**

> Portions of this were taken and adapted from Order of the Phoenix.
> 
> I actually wrote this about two years ago and published it on fanfiction.net, but it's taken me this long to get around to posting it on here


End file.
